Have I become too cynical for my own good? Has the industry really made me that hard a person - hard on myself and on others? That mistrustful a person?

During the course of rehearsals and we were doing character analysis on Xiao Qi, G brought up a point, she said, "Isn't it totally tragic if a person grows up, not ever trusting any other human being?"

I agreed it's true. And I can associate with that. 100%.

I used to be a person who trusts easily. Having parents who tried their darndest best to create a loving and conducive environment at home, it's hard to believe that anyone out there has evil intentions.

Life so far has taught me that, if you wear your heart on your sleeve, it's easier for people to pierce it. Do yourself a favour and keep it locked in your chest, safe within the prison of your ribcage.

People with evil intentions do exist. The difficulty is in knowing who exactly they are, amidst a whole plethora of people you'll encounter on your life journey.

Yet, a part of me wants to believe that this isn't true. A part of me wants to trust. A large part of me wants to believe that human beings aren't as far gone as we already are.

Too late. The lines are already drawn. Like the yellow lines on the train platform. Cross the line - and get hit by a train. We all draw lines. But some of us end up in a prison, trapped within the lines that we draw.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. There I was, presented with a chance of a lifetime, a chance that other people would kill to be in. And I walked away from it.

"10 years in a group? No way."

Just a simple, honest statement. And the deed was done. My life's path (and that of 3 others) had been changed. For the better or for the worse, only time will tell.

It's what happened later that threw me off course. The Boss of the company was really nice. He said that even if we didn't sign, we could always go to him for help. And that he would still get jobs for us if there were opportunities.

He wouldn't be getting commission or anything if we didn't sign. I couldn't comprehend this. I asked, "But... why?"

"Because I'm in a position to help. Because I can, and because I want to help."

This coming out of his mouth? It just didn't tally with what I'd heard about the company from other industry people (not just one but from multiple sources).

In a situation like this, who do you believe? Someone with whom you've had personal contact with? Or hearsay from other people who have worked with the person?

We all know that a large percentage of rumours are often untrue. Rumours birthed to bring about the downfall of a public personality or company. In my case, I'd rather people judge me based on their own personal encounter with me, rather than from what they hear from others about me. To make things worse, much of these aren't even from people who have firsthand contact, but from 2nd hand and even 3rd hand rumours.

In any case, who the hell do we think we are to judge a fellow human being? We are all guilty of doing that, myself included, at some point in life.

But really, we should all just humble ourselves for a moment and realise that the human soul is too complex for us to fully comprehend based on just an impression or passing acquaintance. Even friends (family, even) who have known us for years, will never understand fully our innermost thoughts, our innermost issues - things that culminate to cause us to act the way we do, think the way we do, behave the way we do... and protect ourselves the way we do.

Before you even judge someone or some company next time, think about this before you open your mouth.

Likewise, before you ever trust someone or some company next time, think about this before you do.

The evilest intentions can hide behind the nicest smiles.

I am sad and confused. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Who's right? Who's wrong? I don't know what to believe. I don't know who to trust.

I think I have just lost a huge part of my soul.

All I can do right now is hope and pray that the right people I need and the right friends I can trust will show up in my life to make the journey more bearable. After all, one of God's names is Jehova Jireh, which means The Lord Will Provide.

Okay. So maybe things aren't THAT bad after all. I've still got God, I've still got my family. And I've still got a handful of good friends. These are the people I can trust.

Note to self: Remember to count your blessings when things seem bleak and confusing.

I know this entry is a whole roller-coaster of emotions. Up and downs. Bear with me please while I sort out my thoughts. At least it ended on a slightly brighter note :)

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 22nd, 2005 at 8:50 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.